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First Time?

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#1
Occasional_Desire

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Many thanks to Forzare! for this thread.

Hey EC, we think it's time for a long and over-due refresh of the ‘first time’ thread. This might seem to be a long read, but it's here for those of you who are nervous and are just looking for general tips/information. As a caution – this is not a ‘sex tips’ thread nor is it intended to include any graphic details, we are addressing the issue of losing your virginity and the areas surrounding it. Here we ask the questions: What if I'm not ready? When have I technically lost my virginity? When I am actually ready to try it out, and What's important to remember? All highlighted if you wanted to skip ahead to a certain point.

So, to begin:

There is no 'correct age' to lose your virginity, there is an average age however. In the UK the average age being 16 years, and in the US 17 (for anybody looking for these statistics for another country google will accompany you well). That being said those categories do not run aside one another. It isn't uncommon for a teenager to feel they are not ready for sex at that age, and under no circumstance should you be pressured into doing so. It is certainly easy to feel that you are 'behind' and more childish than those of your peers who have indulged in sexual intercourse, we are here to reassure that is not the case. There is never a point in your youth you can reach where you should have lost your virginity, so you're not abnormal for remaining a virgin, you can stop worrying. Everybody has to start somewhere. A female body is technically ready for sex once her periods start, this does not mean you are emotionally mature enough at that current age, simply that your body can mildly cope with it and produce a child.

A lot of people regret rushing to lose their virginity and wish they had waited until they were ready - not just when others told them they were. We all know what it's like when you're 14/15 and you're convincing yourself you will not regret it, or that you just want to get it over with. Most people find that once they have matured to an older age they wish they would have waited for somebody special. After all, it is only something you can give away once. Don't bother rushing into anything with somebody you barely know as the experience can often become something less fulfilling and rewarding. Your first time is a lot more pleasing with someone you can appreciate and share feelings for. Looking at the bigger picture, there is a lot less respect for somebody who lost their virginity in a careless matter at a party or such, it can say a lot about a person. You will soon come to realise that sex isn't as glamorous as the movies like to make you think - there will be a lot of awkward movements, and 'squelching' along with more not so pretty noises are more than possible. It can be embarrassing, but it happens in reality.

What if I'm not ready?

If you're in a trusting relationship, and you still feel you aren't ready, don't worry about it. Tell your partner and make sure you both have an understanding how the other person feels about it. There is absolutely not rush. If you have a partner that tries to pressure you into it, decline. If they do not want to take no for an answer, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your relationship with this person, as they more than likely do not have your best interests in mind. Caring about you and your feelings is a way of letting you know they are willing to wait until you are comfortable, not pushing you towards something you aren't sure about. Definitely wait until you are positive you want to and that you're doing it for yourself, no-one else. It will be much more satisfying when the both of you are ready.

When have I technically lost my virginity?

To clarify this overall, sex between heterosexual individuals is defined by intercourse - very bluntly, inserting ones penis into a vagina. When this has happened you are no longer a virgin. Many people use 'sex' as a general term to describe sexual occurrences between two people, though that does not technically mean they have engaged in sex. For homosexuals this is slightly more of a grey area, it is accepted if a partner/other person has been 'in and around' your genitals for a specific sexual reason. Of course neither of these are fully concrete definitions of no longer being a virgin, but are the most popular beliefs.

Now, when you're actually ready to try it out:

There is no obligation for sex to be committed with a partner, if you aren't in a relationship that is okay too. The most advisable thing in a first time situation like this one would be indulging with a close friend who was willing, or someone non-judgemental and are trustworthy. It isn't unheard of for two friends to make this promise to eachother and to lose your virginity together. This may be your first time, but that may not be the situation for the other person. In which case that is perfectly fine also. You may even find somebody with a little experience can help you through your first.

If you are both certain you want to go ahead, that's great. It is going to take work from both of you however. Try asking what the other likes and whether what you're doing is pleasing for them. The kissing and removing of clothes shouldn't be an issue at this point assuming you know eachother well, in which case asking questions like the ones above should be no trouble either. It is most likely you have already experimented a little with a few foreplay aspects, mutual masturbation and oral sex etc. This can be really helpful for when you want to take it further, giving you some idea of what to expect.

Take it slowly, don't bother writing a date down in a diary, or plan how you're going to act it out with surgical precision. It will be a better experience for both parties if you are relaxed. You're probably both nervous, don't let this occupy your mind more than it should do. There is no use in overthinking every little step. Being comfortable naked is very important, as a little experience in foreplay acts can be too. If you think you're going to be too nervous and even a little jumpy because they are placing their hands on you - you're still not ready. If the two have you have been sexual for a quite a whie, you may now already know what that person likes, and where the sweet spots are/what works and what doesn't. This will help you a lot when you both want to take that step forward.

Your first time may not be perfect, this is vital to remember. It's common for your first time to even be painful, and if the female bleeds a little during intercourse this is also nothing to worry about (for this I would advise placing a towel where you plan to lay). You will generally find after you have had sex for the first time, your experience will gradually get better and better with each turn. Your body is just getting used to the act.

What's important to remember?

Washing. A male will need to thoroughly clean his penis and eliminate any chances of smegma and any bad smell. Females, this is important for you too. You don't under any circumstances want you first time to be accompanied by vile aromas and unclean body areas (avoid mint shower gel at all costs, the tingling can become very painful).

Protection. Yes, we finally arrived to this topic. The myths have been de-bunked folks, check out: http://www.nhs.uk/Li...thsbusted.aspx.

For an interesting read. Basically:
• You CAN get pregnant on your first try.
• You CAN get pregnant on your period.
• You CAN get pregnant even if using a condom/the pill.
• Alternative means of ‘protection’ like crisp packets (yes folks, people are that strange) will NOT work at all for you. It will just hurt a hell of a lot and is digustingly cheap.

You can't go wrong by investing in some good quality condoms, Durex or Trojan if you can. Females, extra protection never goes amiss, it might be worth going on a form of contraception long before sex so you have tested a variety and have found one that suits you. They’re not all the same and some agree with your body whilst others don’t. For example, I’ve been on two types of pill so far, Microcygnon 30 (made me feel nauseous for every day of the 3 months I took it) and more recently Cerazette (gave me the worst mood swings I’ve ever experienced and every symptom of depression going), neither agreed with me but agree fine with others, everybody is different. Your best bet for these things is to go to a family planning clinic – go to your local doctor if you can and they’ll help you out/will probably refer you. Here in the UK we have a service called Connect. They can equip you with condoms as well as other forms of protection, such as the morning after pill. All of which are completely free if you're a young adult. It may be worth going to speak to a professional. They do not judge you, they have seen it all before.

The pill and a condom together is probably the best, most effective combination really. Never use two condoms together, and always read the given instructions for any medication. If you can’t get any contraception and you’re ready to have sex, don't do it. It's as simple as that. The possible consequences are definitely not worth it. If it’s a case of not wanting to go to the doctors/clinic/buy condoms out of embarrassment, either get over the fear and go or just don’t do it at all, there is no magical alternative.

You may also want to invest in some lubrication. The age restrictions on these vary, I'm under the impression it's 18 here and it probably is in most other places, but it can make your first time a LOT more comfortable if you’re nervous. Just don’t apply too much of the stuff or an awkward slip ‘n’ slide ride is in store (not really that fun), it’s helpful if you’re having a little difficulty. I shouldn't have to point out to make sure your house is empty, but I will. There is nothing worse than having your family return from a trip out and having to fumble for your clothes, as I'm sure just thinking about you would agree.

The reality of the situation is; your first time is most likely going to be awkward, a little frustrating, not particularly satisfying and possibly a little painful. Not all girls experience pain/bleeding, though as I have mentioned before it is not unusual. This is often something a lot of you worry about and I can’t stress the fact that everybody is different. For example, I didn’t bleed at all. There was a definitely a little pain, but nothing along the lines of OHMYGODIMDYING. You may see it more as discomfort. Definitely nothing to get worried about for the most part, some experience more discomfort than others, some less. The bleeding itself is caused by something called the ‘hymen’ breaking, a bit of thin skin that covers the entrance of the vagina with a small entrance used for period blood. For some people this flap of skin is thicker and of course will be more painful to break, for most however the use of tampons/vibrators/even fingers will have broken it beforehand anyway. It’s fair to say, in the least crude terms possible, the bigger your partner is in penis size, the more likely it is to be more painful. This is merely because your vagina isn’t used to having something so large inside of it and that initial stretching is foreign to your body.

It’s likely to be over very quickly, girls you aren’t likely to orgasm during your first time, sorry. Don’t get hung up about it, consider all the many times you’ll have together to try it again and again. Of course that isn’t to say you can’t happen, just that most people don’t. Guys, don’t be ashamed if you finish quickly, your stamina will increase in time, its normal. As for the girls, don’t worry if it isn’t as pleasurable as you’d imagined, its true when they say it doesn’t get good until your 4th or 5th time. Don't be afraid to keep experimenting until you find what’s right for you.


Now, lastly I’d like to point out the importance of forgetting about your insecurities.

Regardless of what the media will persist to shove down your throat, woman do not need to be a size 8 with C cup boobs and have a flat stomach. Your idea of 'perfection' will not necessarily be your partners, despite what you may have heard. Size/shape isn’t as important as some people try and make out or brainwash you into believing. Just to add – the nipple is the erogenous zone here ladies, that’s the most important bit, the rest isn’t really relevant. As for the rest of your body, you need to accept the fact that maybe your thighs jiggle slightly more than you’d like, or that your stomach isn’t flat, or that you just don’t look ‘perfect’ and realise that it honestly doesn’t matter because your partner loves you for who you are.

Boys. I can say that I am completely up to date on your insecurities here, I know the main is generally portrayed to be penis size. From a female perspective, that extra 2cm advantage over the average guy is beyond unnoticeable. In fact if you showed a girl a penis she probably wouldn’t be able to tell you if it was average or not, nor would she care. The only time this would be obvious is when it is either massive, or really tiny. In any case, the majority of you need not worry about it, really. A girl isn’t gonna laugh in your face or turn you down like they do in the films because of your dick, as the old saying goes ‘It isn’t about the size of the wand, but about the magic within’. You could have the best dick in the world but if you didn’t know how to use it effectively it’s pretty useless to you. The same can be said about computers, cameras, and phones. A penis is a penis. Breasts are breasts. That is all.

Overall, the key points are to be safe, make sure it’s what you want, prepare yourself physically and mentally and enjoy yourself. Sex is good, it’s fun, it releases a lot of emotion, there are just countless benefits of having regular safe sex. Click here for more sex guides! Click here for the link to the old thread if you wanted to read over previous replies. Don’t be afraid to PM any of the moderators if you want advice, or alternatively use the ‘Ask sex questions here’ thread pinned in the G&S section and you’ll get a whole host of answers.

Good luck and I hope we helped!
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#2
teensuicide

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yay :)
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#3
DakotaMay

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Lawl, had my first time wuz scared, then yeah. im good now.
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#4
Anne-Marie

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Thank you, for your input, newbie.
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#5
richsta22

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thanks Occasional_Desire for this info, is well done i think. im still virgin to use your definition and i did have oral sex to my girlfriend. my first time and i orgasm too quickly and my girlfriend begin laughing - it was so humiliating and looking back i think she was being nervous like me and did not know what to expect. she did not really want to hurt my feelings on purpose.
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#6
Occasional_Desire

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thanks Occasional_Desire for this info, is well done i think. im still virgin to use your definition and i did have oral sex to my girlfriend. my first time and i orgasm too quickly and my girlfriend begin laughing - it was so humiliating and looking back i think she was being nervous like me and did not know what to expect. she did not really want to hurt my feelings on purpose.

It's common for everything to happen quickly your first time in doing something sexual, don't worry about it.
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#7
Th-Dude

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i am a virgin and im 17. at no point have i been worried about sex or being a virgin, nore do i think anyone should worrie about it. weather you are or not does not matter, if you are mature and you want to have sex and so does somone else then hell its your choice to make.

i believe the only thing about your body that changes with sex(being a virgin) is if a girls "cherry" has not been "poped" other then that and a little hormones your the same as you were before.
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#8
richsta22

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yes, im being 17 years also and im no rush to have sex. i thinks is depends also your friends, i mean if all your friends are having sex and chatting about sex than you will feel like you want to be part of that - no? most of my friends are not having girlfriends now and some are not even dating (too busy with school right now honestly) so im not desparate to go to have sex yet. im certainly not depressed about not having sex yet and sometimes im secretly feel proud to be virgin :P does anyone feel like this also?
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#9
Donovan

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Im proud to be a virgin but hell i want to have sex soon.. But only with someone i actually really care about. Not just a fling.
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#10
Th-Dude

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whats there to be proud about? i mean its not like your acheving anything your just not doing somthing, its not like its some super huge task to not have sex yet.
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#11
teensuicide

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but it's good to know what it feels like at least, curiosity and so forth,
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#12
Occasional_Desire

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whats there to be proud about? i mean its not like your acheving anything your just not doing somthing, its not like its some super huge task to not have sex yet.

I believe there are many reasons to be proud, though perhaps that is the wrong word to use. Everybody is subject to peer pressure at that age, especially when you're old enough to start considering sex. You'll find a lot of teenagers give in to what seems to be a social demand to have sex, and later live on to regret it. It's brilliant if you're strong enough (or not stupid enough) to give into that temptation, especially when others may insult you because you're a virgin.

In a way, you're holding onto your belief and opinion that it is better to wait. Where I'm from everybody at that age is immature and beyond wreckless, I like to see someone every now and then that can actually act sensible in those situations, and that is something to be proud of.
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#13
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i see what your going for, yes its good not to fall into peer pressure. but removing peer pressure there would be no reason for being "proud" of staying a virgin.

i think that if you have to question if your ready for sex or not then your not ready. you are ready when you no longer question being ready for it.

virginity is all in the head pretty much, after sex there is no messurable change to a person which leads me to ask why there is a consept of being a virgin? we dont say "oh im have never seen a rated are movie so im a R virgin" so whats the point in saying your a virgin?
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#14
teensuicide

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Just get it out the way once then do it as much as you feel like.
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#15
Occasional_Desire

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i see what your going for, yes its good not to fall into peer pressure. but removing peer pressure there would be no reason for being "proud" of staying a virgin.

Whenever I witness somebody say they are proud to be a virgin, I automatically assume they are proud of themselves for holding onto their virginity and waiting.

i think that if you have to question if your ready for sex or not then your not ready. you are ready when you no longer question being ready for it.

That's not particularly true. Some people can ask themselves that question up until the very second they are obviously going to have sex. I'm of the opinion that you can only really fully know you're ready when you're in that moment. It's all very easy for someone to say they're ready, only to change their minds when faced with the situation.

virginity is all in the head pretty much, after sex there is no messurable change to a person which leads me to ask why there is a consept of being a virgin? we dont say "oh im have never seen a rated are movie so im a R virgin" so whats the point in saying your a virgin?

It's not about a measurable change or a difference to your personality or frame of mind. It's clearly more important to some than it is to others; I thought losing my virginity was a very big deal. It's the first time you are fully intimate with somebody, and it is something you can never change. Many things revolve around first experiences.
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#16
Th-Dude

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Guess most of what I posted was my opinion but still, some of what I said has some value.

I do have a bit of a problem with forming a attachment to people so the whole intimate thing I don't get to well, intimate is what it is be it the first, second or last time.
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#17
richsta22

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thank you for the discussion guys and what occasional_desire said ... thats what im thinking. really i do not go around proclaiming to be proud of my virgin to everyone, is just a self pride i guess that im keeping inside and makes my spirit feel clean that i can feel good about myself for now - sorry is difficult and i can not truly explain it well. i know it may not be right and im very self conscience about my looks and what other people think about me. i very much desire sex and idk really what will happen if i have the opportunity to have sex and i just may give in to the curiosity and temptation and do it. for now i feel good about who im being.
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#18
xyukicakexX

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My first time was okay and this post is a great start for young un' who are not sure. My first time was with someone I trusted and am still with them which really makes you feel much better in the long run. So I think waiting is the best thing. :3
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#19
xyukicakexX

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thank you for the discussion guys and what occasional_desire said ... thats what im thinking. really i do not go around proclaiming to be proud of my virgin to everyone, is just a self pride i guess that im keeping inside and makes my spirit feel clean that i can feel good about myself for now - sorry is difficult and i can not truly explain it well. i know it may not be right and im very self conscience about my looks and what other people think about me. i very much desire sex and idk really what will happen if i have the opportunity to have sex and i just may give in to the curiosity and temptation and do it. for now i feel good about who im being.


Yeah you're right. I was proud of my virginity also. And when you do reach that time...it's okay to feel nervous and conscious of what your significant other thinks but I'm sure they are as nervous as you are :) So yeah just wait till the right moment and person :)
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#20
AllisonStarti

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Great post. :)
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