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Forgive And Forget / Letter To My Future Husband
#1
Posted 11 October 2013 - 02:04 PM
How can you forgive
Someone who...
Threw you down the stairs?
Held a gun to your head?
Shoved you into the wall?
Put a knife to your throat?
Raped you?
Beat you until you couldn't stand?
Called you...
Worthless?
Stupid?
Ugly?
How do you forget...
The pain?
The terror you felt
Every night you heard
His step outside the door?
The broken bones and bruises
You had to explain away?
His threats to kill you if
You breathed a single word?
Then when you finally told someone
Ten years later,
He told the courts one last lie:
"I'd never do that to my daughter."
Letter to My Future Husband
Baby, please, please,
Don't judge me
By the scars
That show so clearly
On my skin.
Don't begin to believe
Those horrible words
I carved into my thighs.
Don't blame me
Because I can
Never have your children.
My father injured me
Beyond repair.
Baby, even though
I'm trying so hard
Please understand
If it takes me
A while to give you
My whole heart
With all defenses down.
I've been betrayed
So many times
That trust cannot
Come easily to me.
But, Baby, most of all,
Please believe me when I say that I love you.
*******
I have written these from actual events. I was abused in the above ways and more by my dad.
These poems are part of the group I've selected for poetry competitions I'll be intering this year.
#2
Posted 09 November 2013 - 04:55 AM
I'd say the issue with this is that attempting to communicate the issues you've had (which not having experience I won't touch upon the content), is the structure itself, it doesn't flow well and is in serious need of tightening up, may I suggest instead of a list form, construct it as a series of couplets that increase with intensity for the emotions you feel, also for this kind of content, I'd suggest keep the stuff in the first verses vague and non specific, that way it draws a more powerful image of what must've happened when in the later verses your begging a future lover to ignore the scars and crippling fears. Remember with all media the readers imagination is more powerful than what you put to paper/film/music.
The problem with writing from such personal perspective is in trying to communicate everything you feel, is it often leaves you blind to structures that may work better.
One thing though, drop the whole "baby please" motiff in Letter to something more strong, it comes across wishy washy when for both to work as a duo, I'd say take a stronger stance, own it, don't beg as it suggests you haven't grown from your experiences, tell them that's what they have to do to love and in turn be loved by you, never beg.
#3
Posted 09 November 2013 - 05:41 PM
Thanks for the feedback!
I probably should have specified this in the original post, but these are two separate pieces, thus why I couldn't just allude to the content. However, I see what you mean about the list formatting
I have also rewritten the second one, and it lost much of those issues. I will post the altered version when I have a bit more time.
Once again, thank you for giving me the feedback from these works.
#4
Posted 09 November 2013 - 06:53 PM
No problem, always happy to lend constructive feed back.
#5
Posted 21 November 2013 - 01:26 PM
Letter to My Future Husband -- Revised
Don't begin to judge me
By the scars that show so clearly
On my skin.
Don't begin to believe
Those horrible words
I carved into my thighs.
Don't blame me
Because I did the best I could,
No matter what it looks like to you.
It is all I can do to accept
That I can never have
your children.
My father injured me
Beyond repair,
And that is not my fault.
Even though I'm trying so hard,
Understand it takes me
A while to give you
My whole heart
With all defenses down.
I've been betrayed so many times
That trust cannot
Come easily to me.
But, one thing I can tell you: I love you.
#6
Posted 24 November 2013 - 03:03 AM
Letter to My Future Husband -- Revised
Don't begin to judge me
By the scars that show so clearly
On my skin.
Don't begin to believe
Those horrible words
I carved into my thighs.
Don't blame me
Because I did the best I could,No matter what it looks like to you.
It is all I can do to accept
That I can never have
your children.
My father injured me
Beyond repair,And that is not my fault.
Even though I'm trying so hard,
Understand it takes me
A while to give you
My whole heart
With all defenses down.
I've been betrayed so many times
That trust cannot
Come easily to me.
But, one thing I can tell you: I love you.
I really like this version much better! Well done.
#7
Posted 24 November 2013 - 04:23 AM
The feedback is really appreciated!
#8
Posted 24 November 2013 - 09:06 AM
Yep works much better and gives the impression of a person being stronger out of hardship and overcoming something. You're not begging for love, you're just telling them what it takes and why. Glad you took the advice on board.
#9
Posted 27 November 2013 - 05:59 AM
Thank you! it took a while because once you have an idea for something it makes it harder to revise, but I like this one much better as well.
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