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Murder

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#1
Josh Joshson

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This poem's theme is murder...

Im doing it in school in english and we're reading these murder poems. So i say to the teacher i bet i can write a better one. Whatd you guys think?

Only i can end your strife,
With this knife,
Extinguish your life,
With a flick and a twist,
I slit your wrist.

String and garrote, (pronounced garotay)
body on charons dray,
Innocent you will say,
This death was not unplanned,
Your hold you will unhand.

Workmanship not shoddy,
No proof without a body,
You'd never have reckoned,
You'd be dead within a second,
So sad for you,
That my devils beckoned


So whatd ya think?
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#2
Nichol

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murder poems?? never heard any 'til now. The imagery is really good. I like it.
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#3
Miss Miserable is Broken.

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QUOTE (x Josh x @ Jul 4 2008, 08:48 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Only i can end your strife,
With this knife,
Extinguish your life,
With a flick and a twist,
I slit your wrist.

String and garrote,
body on charons dray,
Innocent you will say,
This death was not unplanned,
Your hold you will unhand.

Workmanship not shoddy,
No proof without a body,
You'd never have reckoned,
You'd be dead within a second,
So sad for you,
That my devils beckoned



whatd i think?
id thinkd its amazingggg!
keep it uppp
(:
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#4
Act_Naturally

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I think its pretty good.
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#5
Josh Joshson

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Thanks alot!
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#6
Emo_hotti

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Umm that was a very delightful poem about death.

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#7
Lirael

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Good imagery and word choice, and I like the rhyme scheme too.
I do think that the changing and rearranging of some words could help the rhythm though.
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#8
CannibalCookie

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You know...I'm really angry that everyone's writing is getting better than mine. For example, during my tragic writer's block attempting to work on Josh's request, I ended up writing an Irish/Scottish Sailor's song...

.....yeah.....

Joshie here, writes amazing murder poems, and I write FRIGGEN SAILING SONGS!!!!!!!!!!!! And they're not even that good....so, to posess Josh's thread, I'm posting my sailing song...

Ahem. It's about a kid who keeps going out on the ocean, and people keep trying to get him to stay home, and then...yeah...

Old man Willison went out to sea
Home brought his catch,
And home brought me
I was there for less than an eve
When, again, I went out to sea.

Old lass Willison went out to sea
Home brought her silks,
And home brought me
I was there for less than an eve
When, again, I went out to sea.

Laddie Willison went out to sea
Home brought his tales,
But didn't bring me
He'd met me upon the waves,
And 'til my death, that's where I'll stay.



Yeah. It sucks. And it's weird of me to write it. But oh well.
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#9
Josh Joshson

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I liked the sailing song.
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#10
emo__girly

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QUOTE (x Josh x @ Jul 5 2008, 02:48 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This poem's theme is murder...

Im doing it in school in english and we're reading these murder poems. So i say to the teacher i bet i can write a better one. Whatd you guys think?

Only i can end your strife,
With this knife,
Extinguish your life,
With a flick and a twist,
I slit your wrist.

String and garrote, (pronounced garotay)
body on charons dray,
Innocent you will say,
This death was not unplanned,
Your hold you will unhand.

Workmanship not shoddy,
No proof without a body,
You'd never have reckoned,
You'd be dead within a second,
So sad for you,
That my devils beckoned


So whatd ya think?


it was really good : )

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#11
Josh Joshson

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QUOTE (emo__girly @ Jul 5 2008, 04:06 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
it was really good : )


Ummm thanks alot smile.gif
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#12
CannibalCookie

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QUOTE (x Josh x @ Jul 5 2008, 08:05 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I liked the sailing song.


Why? It's horrid!

And it's not about murder. And it's a very far thing away from your request. Which I'm still stuck on.
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#13
Shakespere's girl

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Hey i think this poem is actually really good its got alot of emotion in there alot of feeling Batting Eyelashes.gif You should definatley carry on writing id love to read more im new by the way I write loads of poems

The only one i really love is

This mask I wear,
she serves me well,
she hides my pain,
so they can't tell.

They see her smile,
never my tears,
she shows no sorrow,
she fights all my fears.

They believe she is me,
if only they knew,
that she is my mask,
my saviour too.

My scars she hides,
behind laughter and lies,
she say's she is fine,
but slowly she dies.


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#14
Josh Joshson

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I can't believe so far two people hijacked this thread to put up their creations...
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#15
...Elle x is x Gone ...

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I liked it, it rhymed. oops sorry that was rather blunt biggrin.gif
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#16
long_since_forgotten

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QUOTE (x Josh x @ Jul 4 2008, 04:48 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This poem's theme is murder...

Im doing it in school in english and we're reading these murder poems. So i say to the teacher i bet i can write a better one. Whatd you guys think?

Only i can end your strife,
With this knife,
Extinguish your life,
With a flick and a twist,
I slit your wrist.

String and garrote, (pronounced garotay)
body on charons dray,
Innocent you will say,
This death was not unplanned,
Your hold you will unhand.

Workmanship not shoddy,
No proof without a body,
You'd never have reckoned,
You'd be dead within a second,
So sad for you,
That my devils beckoned


So whatd ya think?



i think is very good, its aweome, i think it cant be better, i love it, i even wrote in my poems journal biggrin.gif
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#17
Lirael

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Ahaha it's a good sailing song, Lydia!
I know how you feel.
Everyone's getting better while I'm just getting worse.
I tried to write recently, but it just turned into a poem about me staring at a tree.
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#18
Josh Joshson

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Ok thanks for the comments, positive and negative. Thanks for the sailing song too.tongue.gif
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#19
CannibalCookie

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QUOTE (x Josh x @ Jul 9 2008, 09:01 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I can't believe so far two people hijacked this thread to put up their creations...


It's your fault! You told me to write you a poem about some girl you have a crush on but won't confess your feelings to, gave me writer's block, distracted me by asking me to write poetry while I was still in a towel, then got me talking about how "now, Josh, you can't have naked pictures of me, my boyfriend will kill me...something or other about my drunk aunt"

And then I wrote the sailor's song! SO IT'S YOUR FAULT! I BLAME IT ON YOU!!! YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
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#20
Josh Joshson

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QUOTE (xoxo♥♥♥LANF @ Jul 13 2008, 05:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It's your fault! You told me to write you a poem about some girl you have a crush on but won't confess your feelings to, gave me writer's block, distracted me by asking me to write poetry while I was still in a towel, then got me talking about how "now, Josh, you can't have naked pictures of me, my boyfriend will kill me...something or other about my drunk aunt"

And then I wrote the sailor's song! SO IT'S YOUR FAULT! I BLAME IT ON YOU!!! YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

No it went nothing like that, I only stated that sometimes good poetry is wrote while wearing a towel (see above poem tongue.gif) And asking for naked pictures was a joke, following a message which stated you had dropped the damn towel. Drunk aunt?????????

But i accept full responsibility for writers block
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