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Life Of A Gay Emo Kid

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22 replies to this topic

#21
Oath of the Nameless

Oath of the Nameless

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hahahaha!
i read it all the way to the end.
but, honestly it was a total waste of my time.
you should just keep practicing before you decide to put it on a website where people will read it.
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#22
pinkeye

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    *poops on u*

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Honestly, is it really that hard for people to give constructive critisism in a kinder way?
Even if you don't like something, you have no reason to be rude about it. =/
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#23
sentient

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^It's the bandwagon. One person did it, and everyone else followed suit with "LOLOLOLOLLLL". Pretty lame.
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The story is pretty cheesy, and incredibly disturbing when you consider that the hot, gay, erotic sex is being had by two ELEVEN YEAR OLDS.

Your plot and story-development could really use help, but your writing in and of itself is fairly promising. There are a few points in the story where you use some tongue-in-cheek humour (probably not intentional, but part of your style, which is good because then it doesn't seem forced) that works well. My favourite was "He was short, mostly because of his age".

But like i said, your story development needs much help. "Look, I did my research, and I'm gay" is how we are taken from a young boy, confused about his actions and feelings, and the next day, he's all matter-of-fact like he's been fucking dudes for years now.

You could do a lot more with the characters' feelings and internal struggles if they were older. At 11, kids aren't worried about as much, and so their thoughts are simpler and more direct... less oral sex, more tonka trucks at that age. Whether or not you agree with this, that is how your audience, most audiences, will view an 11-year-old character.

The ending was overdramatic... You mentioned that Devan cuts himself. You could have used that - here is a boy with a history of self-harm who has just been rejected thoroughly as soon as he has come to terms with who he is and what he's feeling... Instead you chose 'liquid cyanide'. Pause for a second and think about how ridiculous that is.

The story itself was trite - boy meets boy, boy loves boy, boy is rejected, boy kills self. It's a story that's been told a thousand times over,and the only thing that'll make it worth reading is interesting,believable characters... something you should work on.
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