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Innocence

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19 replies to this topic

#1
That One Guy

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Looking into your eyes
Lips barely touching the other
Fingers sliding up your thighs
Tongues licking the other

Hands slipping under the shirt
Nipples in my fingers
Nothing under the skirt
The sweet taste lingers

She pulls on me
Taking me in her lips
Completely setting me free
My hands pulling her hips

My tongue sliding inside
Fingers finding their home
Swelling with pride
Her tongue beginning to roam

Sliding into her
Hands squeezing her tight
Both beginning to purr
Rocking and pounding into the night

Sensation giving way to pleasure
Blood boiling, racing through the heart
Heated moments we will always treasure
Can't tear ourselves apart

Hands held above her head
Thighs to hips
Rocking the bed
Love on our lips

Lust deep in our eyes
Bodies becoming tight
Moisture on our thighs
We might go all night

Thrusting and pounding
Biting and kissing
Heart beats loud, resounding
Twin souls with no love missing

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#2
breathe

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Lols I like it smile.gif Very nice.

The only thing I'd point out is that you used "eyes" and "thighs" and "tight" and "night" twice in there.

But otherwise, I love biggrin.gif
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#3
That One Guy

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QUOTE (breathe @ Sep 13 2009, 09:31 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Lols I like it smile.gif Very nice.

The only thing I'd point out is that you used "eyes" and "thighs" and "tight" and "night" twice in there.

But otherwise, I love biggrin.gif


Ty lass, and I'm very aware of my repetitiveness of words. I was attempting at obtaining an imagery of passion and doing that I was required to use less vulgar words and use actual words to describe the body parts.

However your comment was appreciated.

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#4
That One Guy

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QUOTE (brunettesrule1000 @ Sep 14 2009, 04:15 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Incredible poem, very sensual and passionate, very effective at conveying the emotion, the lust and the love.

It was quite easy to read relatively quickly, which (for me) reflected the urge for them to be one.

I cannot at the moment think of any improvements to be made, apologies, but I enjoyed it a lot.

Edit: I'm nit picking now, and I don't know if I even have a point in saying this:
"Tongues licking the other"
after you said "the other" in the second line, perhaps you could change the repeated "the other"? "Each other", maybe? I am not sure.


Thank you for your comments, however I am not truly sure I understood the second statement you made about it being easy and quick to read, and your urge.

My apologies for my ignorance, work today was very tiring.

It's fine, I enjoy nit picks it shows that you are not only committed to aiding me but also it shows that you truly did attempt to read and understand the poem beyond the lines. I could only thank you for doing so.

I will admit I sacrificed a bit of flow using "other" for the sake of rhyming, but with the right rhythm it almost sounds like a tiny limerick of sorts. However I will be sure to edit that before I use it for anything public.

Thank you for your comment.

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#5
Infinity

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Oh My.

Good work and you have guts my friend.
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#6
schitzophrenic_psychopath

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very detailed =3
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#7
Xsuffocate me with loveX

Xsuffocate me with loveX

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that is beautiful i love your use of words i love the feeling u get like its the right thing to do and your just in the moment
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#8
XD gUmmYbEArzzX

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very good and it flows well.....it shows alot of passion without the vulger...a job well done:)
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#9
Nicka-Bick

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It was.... GREAT! Hahaha the detail is almost like living it, which i love in poems.
Haha nice piece. (:
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#10
AfterlifexAutumn

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Oh. My. God.
I love it! biggrin.gif
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#11
XxdeadinsidexX

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I really like your writing
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#12
XemoXfaeryX

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It's awesome.. . How long have you been doing poetry? You should make a book.Maybe. You oils check some of my stuff and give me pointers

*should not oils... Vulgar f***ing spell check
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#13
DirtyMindedLittleGirl

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<!--sizeo:1--><span style="font-size:8pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo-->Looking into your eyes
Lips barely touching the other
Fingers sliding up your thighs
Tongues licking the other

Hands slipping under the shirt
Nipples in my fingers
Nothing under the skirt
The sweet taste lingers

She pulls on me
Taking me in her lips
Completely setting me free
My hands pulling her hips

My tongue sliding inside
Fingers finding their home
Swelling with pride
Her tongue beginning to roam

Sliding into her
Hands squeezing her tight
Both beginning to purr
Rocking and pounding into the night

Sensation giving way to pleasure
Blood boiling, racing through the heart
Heated moments we will always treasure
Can't tear ourselves apart

Hands held above her head
Thighs to hips
Rocking the bed
Love on our lips

Lust deep in our eyes
Bodies becoming tight
Moisture on our thighs
We might go all night

Thrusting and pounding
Biting and kissing
Heart beats loud, resounding
Twin souls with no love missing <!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec-->


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#14
.:.Lish.:.

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Wow, that is such a awesome poem love it, very moving ;P
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#15
ali doll

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very nicee :) its very well worded. it paints a very good picture of lust and passion. :) i dont think anything needs to be changed. :)
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#16
Xxdeath..sorrowxX

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are you evan actially emo
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#17
TheLightBurnsMyEyes

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<!--sizeo:1--><span style="font-size:8pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo-->Looking into your eyes
Lips barely touching the other
Fingers sliding up your thighs
Tongues licking the other

Hands slipping under the shirt
Nipples in my fingers
Nothing under the skirt
The sweet taste lingers

She pulls on me
Taking me in her lips
Completely setting me free
My hands pulling her hips

My tongue sliding inside
Fingers finding their home
Swelling with pride
Her tongue beginning to roam

Sliding into her
Hands squeezing her tight
Both beginning to purr
Rocking and pounding into the night

Sensation giving way to pleasure
Blood boiling, racing through the heart
Heated moments we will always treasure
Can't tear ourselves apart

Hands held above her head
Thighs to hips
Rocking the bed
Love on our lips

Lust deep in our eyes
Bodies becoming tight
Moisture on our thighs
We might go all night

Thrusting and pounding
Biting and kissing
Heart beats loud, resounding
Twin souls with no love missing <!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec-->





This poem spoke to me like the Mullah at the mosque. I then swiftly blew myself up after reading this total shit. In the name of Allahu, please die.
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#18
DirtyMindedLittleGirl

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This poem spoke to me like the Mullah at the mosque. I then swiftly blew myself up after reading this total shit. In the name of Allahu, please die.


thats just not needed.. at all! u didnt need to be so blunt and i didnt even right it
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#19
Bri1116

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Wow i love it! You were great in describing it where i even had a crystal clear picture of what was going on in my head even though i read it fast.
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#20
EastWaveBoarder

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Wonderful. Really brought a smirk to my lips. This my dear, is what I call heart-swelling poetry. Makes me wish for the day I have someone I love so deeply I can share this moment with. E> outstanding work!
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