Even when I was happy, I always felt something was wrong, so I would hurt myself, I felt I didn't belong or I shouldn't be happy if I don't get things my way. Is that wrong? COMPLETELY.
I am now almost in the 10th grade and I still struggle with self harm. I see a therapist but she doesn't really help. I feel like she made it worse. I learned that if I stopped giving a fuck about the world maybe it would get easier and it did, but I still struggle with wanting to hurt myself every time I come in contact with heart break.
April 1, 2009 5:55pm I met this guy named Kenny, he was the first guy I ever fell in love with and till this day, March 14, 2012, I still love him. We used to be close and it was amazing, but one day he started dating this girl named Kayla and she didn't like me very much so every time she saw him she'd send me pics of them kissing or pics of them together and it killed me. One time it hurt me so much because when he went to juvy he told me when he got home he'd be with me, but he chose Kayla.
I never wanted to start hurting myself I guess it just kind of happened and it got worse and worse for years. I'm better now, I've stopped cutting but I still think about death.
After Kenny hurt me bad enough, I decided to give up because I realized I'm not gonna get the shot I want at a relationship with him. At that time I met a guy named Ryan. He became my boyfriend after a few months and we got into this huge fight and days later he killed himself. Everyone blamed me and so did I, ever since then I've been trying my hardest not to kill myself. He's the reason I feel I shouldn't be alive any more. I let boys control my life... and that's what ruined me and got me into habits that are hard to get away from.
I got myself to stop cutting all on my own and I feel happier. I've been through a lot in my life and I'm going to list everything I can relate to below, because if you self harm because of one of those reasons I know how to help. I have helped save 19 of my friends lives even for things I wasn't able to relate to.
-Loss of a friend or family member
-Near death experience
-Parents looking at you as a disappointment
-Sexuality Confusion (I'm bisexual)
-Being the "outcast"
-Physical disability (I'm half blind)
I know it looks like I'm just saying this for a sob story but I'm really not, I've been through all of those things and it adds up, the cancer I had, Renal Cancer and it was somehow sexually transmitted cause it wasn't in my parents family history, the guy who raped me also died from it 3 years after he raped me the doctors got me help and a transplant but i still fight it sometimes. I take pills every day just to stay alive. The doctors couldn't tell me how it was sexually transmitted because they've never seen it before, or so they said, but they said it was the only realistic explanation.
Talk to me, ask me, I'll explain everything if you want me to.
Edited by yinfaitl, 14 March 2012 - 08:23 AM.