6 replies to this topic

[.:.Lish.:.]

Okay so I know it may need a little work.....I've just had a mental blank... >.<
So if you have any suggestions I would love to hear them....
Many thanks....
.........Lish..........



Upon these many sins I’ve done,
I no longer ask for my forgiveness,
For I lay still my heart no longer beating,
I start to feel the fire burning,
The intensity of being dragged to hell.

I've never so feared the gates of hell,
For each and every sin,
A new punishment shall begin.
The smell of burning flesh becomes un-bearing,
For my soul is now no more.

These demons tear me apart,
Limb by limb I am gone,
Soon I am burnt into ash,
Too bad I now live in hell,
Because this torture never ends.

[lonliness_impending]

I really like the end of the first stanza, fire burning... intensity of being dragged to hell... death is a little cliche, I like the voice of the speaker being very morbid... perhaps you could make it less chiche by being a little otherworldly about death... find something that might not relate to death at all but make it relate... i dont know how you would want to do that....


its a powerful subject so emotion ridden, and intense....

the ending is fucking great... the last two stanzas are very powerful

[TheLordOfHate]

very nice lish I have to admit even though its quite a dark peom like most this espically at the begiging,"Upon these many sins I’ve done, I no longer ask for my forgiveness," must admit its quite good opener that you have come up with keep up the good work.

[Despairl]

It's actually perfect in many ways

[Dark_Poet]

I feel that there is an emotion behind the poem that mixes violence and submission. The raw violence of Hell...the environment that you have gone to and the submission to fate that you experience as the individual. I find beautiful aspects to this, however a little confused as to status of your soul in the poem. Your soul appears to cease to exist and at the same time resigns itself to eternity. This may be what you are saying...I'm not sure that's all. Wait until night falls and isolate yourself in the dark, light a solitary candle and find the raw emotion that inspired you to create the poem.

As an aside, the epic Paradise Lost by Milton deals with a journey to Hell because of sin.

"As one great furnace flamed, yet from those flames
No light, but rather darkness visible
Served only to discover sights of woe,
Regions of sorrow, doleful shades, where peace
And rest can never dwell, hope never comes.."

Maybe that is Hell...the absence of hope, for eternity.

[.:.Lish.:.]

I feel that there is an emotion behind the poem that mixes violence and submission. The raw violence of Hell...the environment that you have gone to and the submission to fate that you experience as the individual. I find beautiful aspects to this, however a little confused as to status of your soul in the poem. Your soul appears to cease to exist and at the same time resigns itself to eternity. This may be what you are saying...I'm not sure that's all. Wait until night falls and isolate yourself in the dark, light a solitary candle and find the raw emotion that inspired you to create the poem.

As an aside, the epic Paradise Lost by Milton deals with a journey to Hell because of sin.

"As one great furnace flamed, yet from those flames
No light, but rather darkness visible
Served only to discover sights of woe,
Regions of sorrow, doleful shades, where peace
And rest can never dwell, hope never comes.."

Maybe that is Hell...the absence of hope, for eternity.

Thankyou for your comment, I do appreciate this.
And with hell, everyone goes through a different form of it, where as people mostly get their description from books, bibles, internet ect. whilist others as they go through life they go through hell, if you understand what I mean by that one.

[teensuicide]

I like it. Very dark, like something you'd expect to hear in a Slayer song or something. Do you listen to any Thrash/Death metal? May just be a coincidence but these do sound like they'd make a decent song.

Where'd I put my lighter?