20 replies to this topic

[Hyena.]

This is nowhere near complete; but I've been wrestling with it for a couple weeks now and it's not getting very far. I'm asking for advice, where I should take it, if it's even going in the right direction at the moment anyway, etc. etc.

Also if I've (already) beaten U Mirin's terrible piece, do feel free to SHOUT IT TO THE HEAVENS. Maybe even send him a PM? Writers need healthy competition after all.

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Sarah doesn’t go out anymore.

The outside scares her. Stepping out of her door, the ground falls away from her and the world expands, launching itself away from her. To plant her foot forwards would be to tumble into the abyss of the open, and she would become helpless and vulnerable. Sarah doesn’t go out anymore.

Her therapist blames ‘the science of minding your own business’. Sarah is sure she’s heard that in a film, but she doesn’t agree. Sarah doesn’t think finely-practised apathy is why people didn’t come. It’s because she wasn’t worth it. Sarah was an old magazine; pages stained with various liquids, pages pilfered through and offers torn out. Crumpled and ragged. She was filthy, and people didn’t want to help the filthy.

Sarah isn’t sure if she deserved it, though. Of course, there are people who would think so. Sarah recalls what she was wearing, starting at the bottom; boots first, then shorts – denim – then a top. A gift from a friend, a flowery-mesh thing. It was pretty. You could see her bra through it, but only a bit. The mesh-pattern thickened modestly. Was it her friend’s fault, then? Some people condemned on the boots alone.

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I despise how wide the posts are here; it takes half a page and makes it look a little less than a paragraph. Anyway, carry on.

[.:.Lish.:.]

Okay, I got a question, what does a "prose" mean?

[Steve]

Okay, I got a question, what does a "prose" mean?

prose/prōz/
Noun:
Written or spoken language in its ordinary form, without metrical structure

To put it simply, prose in this case is a short story.

[Lavinia]

Sarah doesn’t go out any more.

The outside (- change this, too bland) scares her. Stepping out of her door, the ground falls away from her crumbles and the world expands, launching itself away from her. further into the distance(- change this as well, too repetitive.) To plant her foot forwards would be to tumble into the abyss of the open. (- er, isn't that the same thing kinda? reword this just a bit?) and She would become helpless; and vulnerable.

Sarah doesn’t go out any more.

Her therapist blames ‘the science of minding your own business’. Sarah is sure she’s heard that in a film, but she doesn’t agree. Sarah doesn’t think finely-practised apathy is why people didn’t come. It’s because she wasn’t isn't worth it. Sarah was an old magazine; pages stained with various liquids, pages pilfered through and offers torn out(- what does this mean?). Crumpled and ragged. She was filthy, and people didn’t don't want to help the filthy.

Sarah isn’t sure if she deserved it, though. Of course, there are people who would think so. Sarah recalls what she was wearing, starting at the bottom; boots first, then shorts – denim – then a top. A gift from a friend, a flowery-mesh thing. It was pretty. You could see her bra through it, but only a bit(- I don't like this, for some reason, I can't explain it, it's too slippery). The mesh-pattern thickened modestly. Was it her friend’s fault, then? Some people condemned on the boots alone.

You're just a bit repetitive in some places, 'and' 'her' 'away' need some more impacting, dramatic vocabulary here.

AND 'ANY MORE' TWO SEPARATE WORDS DAMNIT.

[Reflection]

It seems too passive but it's a lot better than some of your previous work on here (specifically, the one with the motorcycle).

I like the pages pilfered through with offers torn out.

[Forzare!]

Sarah doesn’t go out anymore.

The outside scares her. Stepping out of her door, the ground flinches(or falls... idk, just don't use away again) from her and the world expands, launching itself away. To plant her foot forwards would be to tumble into the abyss of the open, and she would become helpless and vulnerable. Sarah doesn’t go out anymore.

Her therapist blames ‘the science of minding your own business’. Sarah is sure she’s heard that in a film, but she doesn’t agree, doesn’t think finely-practised apathy is why people didn’t come. It’s because she wasn’t worth it. Sarah was an old magazine; pages stained with various liquids, pages pilfered through and offers torn out. Crumpled and ragged. She was filthy, and people didn’t want to help the filthy.

Sarah isn’t sure if she deserved it, though. Of course, there are people who would think so. Sarah recalls what she was wearing, starting at the bottom; boots first, then shorts – denim – then a top. A gift from a friend, a flowery-mesh thing. It was pretty. You could see her bra through it, but only a bit. The mesh-pattern thickened modestly. Was it her friend’s fault, then? Some people condemned on the boots alone.

I changed it a tiny amount because I think it sounded better that way
in other news good job carry on

MINUS 50 POINTS

[Hyena.]

FUCK YOU TAKING POINTS FROM ME THIS IS AT LEAST POINT-NEUTRAL.

Otherwise, Lish you're retarded; Forzare and Ashin, thank you for your help, I've incorporated both of your suggestions into what currently exists; Reflection, you're probably right it's better than Fresh Pavement, as I wrote that two years ago, though I'd still like to attempt something like it.

[Reflection]

I'd like to see more good imagery and less inner monologue. Nobody gives a fuck what Sarah thinks to herself, so I feel it would be better if her thoughts were more sparing, and only what is necessary as a vehicle for character development. Still, I like that you managed a feminine perspective with her thoughts (socially reinforced self-loathing).

[Hyena.]

Interesting... maybe i'll have a shift in Narrator/Narrative, write from a third person rather than two-and-a-half person perspective. I'd like to get the imagery in by describing the night, but not sure how I'd get there. I'll work on it. Thanks.

[teensuicide]

[Hyena.]

kk bby <3 butthurt moar

[teensuicide]

Don't be butthurt, you could improve this if you knew what you were writing about a little better. Wasn't able to relate to it easily.

[Hyena.]

Hey if i'd gotten raped I'm sure my piece about rape would be better, but unfortunately I have not been raped and therefore my piece about rape is not as good as could be. Don't worry though I will go out forthwith and get raped so that my piece about rape can be as good as is could be.

And then you can get raped so that you can relate to it. Then we will all maximize the potential of this piece, all thanks to rape.

[teensuicide]

I'm glad you're starting to see things my way. Looking forward to the finished product!

[Lavinia]

er, no. Regardless of your experience with a certain topic or situation, it doesn't mean you can write about it and create a fantastic piece of work. It doesn't work like that. Sure the emotions and everything is there, but that's not always enough.

[Hyena.]

So I don't have to go out and get raped? Man, I sure wish someone had told me that sooner, before I'd called up that male hooker and faxed a photo of the razor-dildo from Se7en and given him Cocks' and mine's adresses and told him that yes, we really want it, the whole screaming and thrashing thing is just part of the roleplay, just roll with it.

[Staton]

go out and get raped?

yes, we really want it

raped?

we really want it

??????????????????????????????????????

[Steve]

Staton's right, you can't 'want' to get raped, or it's not rape. Just rape roleplay, which isn't the same.

Ashin: I disagree. I'm not saying you have to have first hand experience with a certain topic to be able to write about it with emotion and accuracy, but surely you'd at least need to know what the hell you're writing about in the first place. Experiencing something first hand doesn't mean you will automatically be good at writing about it and create an astounding piece, though.

[teensuicide]

It should be obvious to anyone that experiencing something first-hand makes it (whatever it is) easier to write about because you know how it works. It might make it harder emotionally but it'll benefit in the long-run. Otherwise you're just making (hopefully) somewhat educated guesses.

Does experiencing something make you a good writer? No. Not necessarily. They're separate things.


But to be honest on first read I didn't even realize it was about rape. Just thought it was someone who was afraid to go outdoors. But good for you for getting in touch with your feminine side!

[Hyena.]

It's not complete yet, and I'm not looking to make its subject immediately obvious anyway.

Notice how I'm managing to go this whole post without a cheap insult thrown at you. Though that may be down to the length of said post.

Also: I think this is the most replies a topic of mine in this section has ever gotten. THANK YOU GAIZ ILY SO MUCHCHCH <£333 BBYZ