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I added breaks between each line so that it's easier to read. Input is greatly appreciated. I personally don't like how I finished this off.
Race Against Time
The minutes in a day come and go
Consuming once and once only
They come in little spurts
Never getting the chance to really know me
You see, me and time has history
Our constant collisions barely a mystery
Clearly evident
Fighting for glory but neither rendered eminent
It’s an ongoing, full out war
My heart and my will against destiny
A contest of survival not a prize guaranteed
Yet we’re clashing and destroying with no regard
Pulling and tugging that’s why we’ve never gotten far
Inch by inch we go
Falling into an unknown
That I eagerly embrace
Death is a promise and so with life I never hesitate
Because time can conquer at any moment she wish
My persistence the only thing that resists
Mercy is no power and by force is how I’ve over come
Time is a menace and I can never win if I run
And that’s why I fight
Because the essence of living is defiance
I defy logic and recreate my own science
Of living a philosophy of lesser value
And refusing to conform and just break through
Into a revolution of life’s intricate wonders
Instead of time’s hands subduing our lives with her numbers
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Race Against Time (Spoken Word)
Started by
Raven.
, Jun 11 2012 02:17 PM
#1
Posted 11 June 2012 - 02:17 PM
Raven.
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#2
Posted 11 June 2012 - 08:25 PM
Insane Pie
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Line 2: Using "once" twice makes it seem kind of forced.
Line 5: I think "has" should be "have" instead, just my opinion though.
Line 8: I don''t think "eminent" fits well.
Line 10: "Destiny" seems forced.
Those are the lines that I think are most prominent and I picked as seeming off. Also, it may benefit more if it was split into stanzas, but great job using the line breaks.
Line 5: I think "has" should be "have" instead, just my opinion though.
Line 8: I don''t think "eminent" fits well.
Line 10: "Destiny" seems forced.
Those are the lines that I think are most prominent and I picked as seeming off. Also, it may benefit more if it was split into stanzas, but great job using the line breaks.
#3
Posted 12 June 2012 - 08:00 AM
Steve
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No you're right it should be 'have', or "You see me, and time has history" I guess works but it makes less sense. Also, OP, I think you should change that song on your tumblr to something more death-metally.Line 5: I think "has" should be "have" instead, just my opinion though.
#4
Posted 16 June 2012 - 01:25 AM
Raven.
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thanks for the feedback guys. I'll work on it.
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