4 replies to this topic

[Emo Tot]

I lay awake at night
A thousand thoughts races through
My mind many shifting to you.
I wonder what I did wrong
And caused our relationship to
Crash to the ground and burn to ash
My heart thumps in my chest
Skipping a beat now and then
When a happy memory of me
and you comes to mind
I try to hold on to it,
But it's gose as quickly as it appeared
Tears tear at my eyes as I stumble across my
dark empty room as tears blurred my vision
I stop on the middle as I feel my heart
clench tightly
As the memory of you
telling me to grow up stabs deep in my mind
I lean on the chair for support, placing my
hand over my heart
The memory subsidies and is replaced
by a image of your smile and you
reading your poem..
"You are my on love..my only being...my reason
for living. I will always be there for you
no matter what happens in life.
I'll be with you forever and always. I love you.."
I pull out of my thoughts as more tears fall.
My mind finally settles on...my one true love..and I lost him

[Insane Pie]

The read from line 2 to line 3 was very awkward for me.
Line 3: "many" doesn't belong in there, re-read what you write.
Line 9 and 10: It would be "You and I" not "me and you". I believe that sounds better as well.
Line 12: Spell check, re-read it.
Line 13 and 14: "Tear" can be replaced, don't over-use it.

This was a very awkward read for me, you could structure it differently, maybe break it into stanzas as well. Also, proof read what you write, re-read it and use spell check,

[Emo Tot]

Okay.. thanks I guess?

[Destoroyah!]

Seems a bit straight forward as if you were just writing down the first thing that pops into your head. You should put more thought and chose your words carefully. Perhaps invest in a thesaurus so you don't end up repeating yourself. Other than that I think you should pick a subject to write about that hasn't been done a trillion times over, that is just something that annoys me though not sure if other people are as bothered by it.

[Emo Tot]

Alright...