2 replies to this topic

[lukejeffrey12]

In reference to Samuel Beckett, this could be described as a 'poetics of failure'. It's free verse and, therefore, has no real meter to speak of. The rhyme scheme is largely couplets or alternate couplets with the occasional internal rhyme. You might say it's a poor, poor, poor, man's Poe. If you get the references to Camus, Lorca and, indeed, Beckett himself then I applaud you. And owe you a great big kiss!

 

Eloquent Profanity

'There is only one important philosphical question'
She said softly to me.
My stomach oscillating, An imperceptable void gaping,
A pervading sense of melencholy.
With eloquent profanity her tongue enraptured, wove
A curious vernacular tessellation.
Swooping through a storm of mire and self pity to romanticise
My heart, to save it from desolation.
She spoke with elegance and a lilting ambience that would
Occasionally become a plea.
Told stories of happier days of how her first love tore her dungerees in two
And tore her heart in three.

When she asked how long she'd have to try and cling, with a hint of blue,
Despite the knowledge that there is nothing for us to cling to
I could only apologise for my taciturn lips. I was unable to convey
My debilitated resolve, in our combined futility but to say
There's an existential pain I'm unable to tolerate.
When I imagine her frozen in an isolated state.
The two of us combined could plunge this endeavor
But to leave me bereft would agrieve me forever.

I find my skin ignited by her irrefutable ability to magnify vulnerability,
Lay my complexities bare.
In spite of myself she could drown me in a single one of her teardrops
Or garrott me with a strand of her hair.
I said 'I know full well that we're plundering that question.
We plunder it seperately and together.
But to animate and become innanimate we'd need to
Be able to seperate forever.
Because there's nothing to be done.
And all I have is a lifetime, a speck of insignificance,
To enjoy  your company, we can try to help one another.
So don't amputate me prematurely
         Or as quickly as my heart set aflame allow it to smother.'

 

[Crispin]

When writing creatively, it's important to ensure that the words are smooth and that they flow without hindrance for the audience. Not necessarily meaning it has to be extremely simplistic, but not entirely complex.

 

It seems that you've thoroughly searched for the most complex of words in your lexicon and littered them throughout your piece, often making sense and adding substance to the piece, but in other areas it creates a vast drawback and makes it unnecessarily awkward and more of a hindrance to read. 

 

A curious vernacular tessellation.

This, for example. It isn't needed and doesn't entirely make sense. You don't gain a sense of understanding or emotion, you're going around the city to explain a point that's around the corner. 

 

 

Be careful when using vocabulary that is tonally similar and sounds repetitive, also be sure that you don't use words that mesh together. It's messy and awkward to read, it gives the aura that it's something you've already read - reducing the impact of emotive language and making the piece appear as if it's awkwardly put together. 

[lukejeffrey12]

Thanks for the advice, Ashy, as usual! I take on board everything you say. Agreed aout the 'vernacular tessellation' line, by the way, as I wrote it it felt kind of forced but I left it anyway because there's something about the iambic nature of that line that I quite like and a slightly more glib reason that will become a bit more clear later. . . I will bring you up on a couple of things, though, if I may?

 

I wanted it to seem quite fractured and quite a difficult read (not in terms of vocabulary though!) And in using vocab and half-repitition I was looking to give the impression of half-formed rhymes (like a lazy, rubbish Poe) and to create something that changes but only subtly. I wanted there to be a deliberate resistance to revelation in it. In that I wanted it to seem as if I was trying to create a repetitive pattern (or tessellation, if you will - see what I did there? ) but have failed. In the same way we try to give shape to the chaos of our lives and, often, fail. You could say I wanted the repitition to displace (replace?) revelation! Hence the 'poetics of failure' comment at the start. 

 

But, as always, Ashy, I'm stupidly happy that you have taken the time to not only read my poem but comment, critique and offer advice on it. I'm extremely grateful for that . How are you anyway? It's been far too long!