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Poem #17

- - - - - Poem him remember forget love sad forgotten goodbye

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♫Wandering Heart♫

♫Wandering Heart♫

    Delicate Snowflake

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I really felt like writing a poem so sorry that it's sloppy.

I can't handle our memories
Because it kills me to see his face
So I am forgetting him. He is nearly forgotten

I can hardly remember his chocolate eyes
That sometimes turned black when we were alone
Or how they would shine when he talked about home

I can't even imagine how his lips felt against mine
Hungry yet sweet
How they molded so perfectly to mine

No more do I picture the color of his skin
Covering lean muscles
Tan from running and playing outside

My skin has no memory of the gentle first kiss
On my forehead
Or the prickle of his unshaven face

I can no longer hear his voice ringing in my ears
So confident and happy
I always loved listening to its sound

I can't remember the way he smelled
Sweet and spicy
A scent that could calm any heart

I especially don't remember the way my heart stopped
When I saw him so long after he left
Or how he pretended I wasn't there

I can't remember him
I need to forget him
Because he doesn't remember me at all
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    Spiraling Tempest

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I love the message of this poem. It's actually very well written, even though you say it's sloppy

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Conent is good, however, recently, I've been seeing things differently. 

If you took the structure and turned it upside down so the last line would become the first, and then read it upwards,instead of saying you don't remember and then remembering it's almost like as you remember each thing, it's like your memory is deleting them. Like a computer or something, and I feel it'd have more structure and flow that way. It's not a bad poem by all means, but does seem a little fragile. 

Maybe try using things to describe the feeling or situation, leaving it a little alluring to the reader, instead of just telling them how it is outright, like when you say " Because it kills me to see his face" maybe dance around the meaning a little bit, find something that could lead the reader to believe that is what you mean,  without you outright saying it. However, I know that's easier said than done in most cases. 

Another point I picked up on, is the way you have laid it out, there isn't much depth, it just seems like a list of qualities the other person had or does have, rather than anything else. There doesn't seem to be much emotional depth either, there's nothing that compells the reader to feel loss or remorse like the writer seems to. 

I'm not saying it's a terrible poem, it's just not that great, but with a little work and some depth could actually amount to something great. 

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    Delicate Snowflake

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This is really good. I have a thing that I do not like words repeated in one stanza, but here, it works! Great job.

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Kurayami Michio

Kurayami Michio

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Nice poem. I can feel you..hm

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Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Poem, him, remember, forget, love, sad, forgotten, goodbye

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