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Smells Like Depression


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#1
Luisman

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Hey guys it's me. Ah man idk where to go with this. You see I seem to be in a stage of.. Depression, worst I've felt in years. I don't want this to affect my friends (even those on here) and family. Normally I would come out of it but not that easy this time. Music, or even drugs isn't helping. I smoked earlier 2. And my dad gave me an "anti-depressant".. not working. I feel like I deserve it though. I used to be an asshole before I changed completely. Like I feel all alone, when I try to explain it comes out awkward or people don't get my point. Ok here's one of the things that upset me. It's my face ok? And my general physical appearance. You might not be lucky enough to see all of it but I have a lazy eye. And I'm thin. I was so skinny about 6 months ago. I feel so inferior because I don't look like the "type" that people want to associate with or even talk to. So as you might have guessed I can be anti-social at times. Ah I even question my own sanity. Everything is crumbling down around me, turning into a war-zone while I wait to take a bullet. My family is having problems and all that. Romance to me is nonexistent sort of because of my past relationships and experiences. Not that I feel lonely, even if I did it wouldn't matter, I just don't think I'm worthy of love and am used to being cheated on. Family is just a word now. Mom and dad fight, he'll my dad insults my mom. (Something he'd never done before) and it worries me to the point where I can barely function. I don't want them to split and have my little bro be caught in the mess. I even lost both my previous jobs. I'm at Least back at school. This was going to be my last post on here, but I have a small group of people that I talk to on here that would hate to see me go. I want to thank those on here that have helped me, and the site as a whole. Truth is I wish I could run and make things disappear. Or wake up in bed about a year or two in the past. I don't think I'm like most of you, I love everyone and hate to see people kill each other over a simple city block. I'm not making this up. I've volunteered with churches, schools, anti-drug groups and helped talk a lot of my friends out of attempting suicide. What worries me most is that I think my ex had my daughter, I know it's mine and not her bf's. (Who recently left her for another girl) It worries me. And I'd hate for her to grow up fatherless and be self-destructive and miserable like me.
So your thoughts and advice are welcome. Plz don't judge.
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#2
Okano

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I don't have much to say, but I do have this, you should stop drugs. They can mess with your mental equilibrium. You should also start moving on from your past and meet any issues that you are dealing with head on. Make amends and revisit the past if you have to, but right after just forget it don't look back. And about your face, I can relate... Mine is disfigured and I do understand and I'm sorry you have to deal with something similar also. Finally, I would ask you to consider prayer and finding God as you understand Him. It's only a suggestion.
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#3
Luisman

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Drugs and music were the only things that kept me sane. I feel stupid for saying that but they helped "numb" the pain. Just for a while. Idk about god. I believe in him, I just don't know if he's there. I can't seem to shake this feeling, this bad feeling.
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