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How Do I Keep Living?

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    Tortured Rose

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Hey so I battle with PTSD, depression and anxiety. When I was a kid, I developed an extremely close  bond with my mother. My mother did not treat me like a child. At a young age my personality, maturity, have warped into something else. So from 9-11 my mother had confided in me the troubles she was having with my father. I knew about the reason they where fighting, why we didn't have a lot of money.


 So as a child not understanding the relationship between a man and a woman, I grew up far too fast. My maturity level was at the level of a 40 year old woman, I believed if my family was unhappy, it was my responsibility to find out what the problem was and too eliminate that trouble. SO I began to study my family and unlike some kids who look at their parents as mom,dad and siblings. I looked at it as a scientist would processes of elimination. I began to plot how to rid my family of my dad.


I also developed a distaste, a strong distaste for him. He beat me and singled me out when I was a child. Not bothered by this, but I felt like my family and I, meaning.: My mom, my two sisters and my younger brother  needed to rid ourselves of the parasite that turned out to be this man. Who my mom constantly cried about, who seemed to be the odd one out. So I began responding to my mom's feelings by encouraging her distaste, and soon I had us both deciding leaving my dad on his own would be fine. When I turned 11 my mom left my father with my influence.  


While my mother and I and my siblings moved in my mom's parents home. I began to feel like I had succeeded and was pleased with my father being out of the picture. I even used attempting suicide to give my mother a stern warning this wasn't a good decision when she commented to me she wished to go back to him.



She and I thought where perfectly fine, and when she and I where in charge. When she dated other people are I was fine, I thought it was for the best. However then she started doing things against me. I had not realized when I was a child I needed someone to blame for my pain, I blamed my father. I didn't ever consider my mom was wrong. My mom talked to me my dad didn't. She started beating me instead, she took away the position I thought that was mine, she stole from me, betrayed my trust. Something deep inside me was broken. It has been broken ever since. It had given me purpose. My role as the second parental figure. It bothers me so bad its caused me to develop PTSD.


That extremely smart and cunning kid I was disappeared. I became someone more shaky, less secure. I use needles, I pan handle, I do have a wonderful husband.  I told my husband....ya wrong idea now he vows to beat up my father when he sees him again.


My husband went to jail for beating up four security guards, trained for the ufc, by going into tournaments in toronto and ranked number 1 when he was fighting. I don't know if anyone could help with some advice.


I don't want to burden my man with it anymore, or infuse his anger so he ends up doing something crazy. O.o



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