Register now to gain access to all of our features. Once registered and logged in, you will be able to create topics, post replies to existing threads, give reputation to your fellow members, get your own private messenger, post status updates, manage your profile and so much more. If you already have an account, login here - otherwise create an account for free today!
Posted 08 February 2012 - 04:12 PM
Obi Wan Sentobi had taught AnaKane skywalker everything she knew about the Jedi force over the years since rescuing him from Naboo. Anakane was troubled however. 'I'll never be a Jedi Knight' he complained constantly,' i'll never be good enough, i'll always be the knight in dulled armour...' he moped for a bit and wrote a poem about himself. He remembered his old life, the old AnaKane that once was, the day he was rescued from slavery burned fresh in his memory, the day he joined EC and became a warrior, desperate for recognition from the Jedi mod force. He remembered first laying eyes on the Queen Ami-Jessticles and the hammering in his chest as even his younger brain sought for the best possible way to obtain n00dz from her. It was the beginning of a beautiful forbidden love. Obi Wan Sentobi had faith in AnaKane far outreaching that which Yodadmin had. Sentobi believed there was good in the troubled young soul where Yodadmin could see none.
'I WANT TO BE A FUCKING JEDI MOD' AnaKane screamed frequently at no-one in particular. 'WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I GET WHAT I WANT'. 100% of the time the Jedi mods ignored AnaKane's intellectual whinings as he was foolish and young and Yodadmin did not want him to progress further with such an uncertain outlook. Cristina57 Binks stared at him before screaming 'WATS GOIN ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WATS A MOD'. AnaKane didn't care. His desire to be a jedi mod was too strong for others to be in his way.
Things happened in the Universe that involved politics and somehow AnaKane survived through the shitstorm, Jedi mods were lost, new Jedi mods were gained. One thing remained constant, R2D2's speech pattern. 'αιαννιαϊαιιναϊα-αιαννιαϊαιιναϊα' he said before someone removed his posting abilities for the fourth time that day.
AnaKane unsuccessfully attempted to obtain n00dz from most of the Universe before settling on the original object of his desires, Queen Ami-Jessticles.
'I will fucking destroy you' he told her repeatedly, hoping to entice her with his charm. When that failed he wasn't left with many options.
'What size was your boyfriends dick? I have to buy extra large condoms. I'M SO FUCKING ANGSTY UNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH'. Eventually Ami-Jessticles could no longer resist his advances, his boyish charm and undeniable modesty won her over. However AnaKane now HAD what he wanted. He wanted more. So much more.
'No-one understands me. I'M MOTHERFUCKING KANE. FUCK.' He defied Obi Wan Sentobi when he learned of Senator Rellik Palpatine's alter ego, Darth Rellikus.
Senator Palpatine had radical ideas, he wanted to overthrow the very empire he helped create. He'd often mutter to himself; 'Fuck you all I built this place.... pussies... not harsh enough... if I were a Jedi... sky faeries...' but nobody particularly cared, most just believed he was senile and deserved little more than a nod and a sympathetic smile. AnaKane saw something different in him however. Something that would change his life forever. Obi Wan Sentobi had placed far too much faith and trust into this misguided individual and Senator Palpatine could see this fresh, ripe newb ready for shaping. Rellik showed him his lightsab0r. AnaKane was in awe, he shed his robe and gave himself to Senator Rellik Palpatine. He now knew where he needed to be, he had finally found his true calling!
'Screw you sentobi, fuck you too ami-jessticles, I have n00dz of ALL THE JEDIS and i'm ready to FIND MYSELF, THE MOTHERFUCKING DAMNED IS HERE, BEWARE MOTHERFUCKERS!' He became Darth Vader but Sentobi didn't like this. She drew her dazzling red light saber engraved with 'The Banhammer' and faced Kane calmly.
'I trusted you.' She said.
'Fuck you, i'm Kane!' came the reply.
'You could have been so much more than this!'
'I'M THE FUCKING DAMNED. FUCK! DON'T YOU GET IT'.
Suddenly voices could be heard from all around him. Sentobi had channelled the voices of members past, vaxity and No Quarter.
~Fucking faggot go fuck yourself, go chug bleach you faggot, got get high you shitty pothead, who the fuck do you think you are, go nail an underage girl you pedophile---~
They were arguing about drugs to each other again, Sentobi knew Kane would find it difficult to resist the temptation to get involved in something that didn't involve him. He could feel his hands clenching as he was desperate to get that one last terrible insult in, who the fuck did they think they were, having an argument that didn't involve him? He tried to push those thoughts aside, he HAD to defeat Sentobi now before it was too late. He tried a different tactic, he decided to sacrifice his beautiful poetry to divert Sentobis attention. It was effective! The melodrama and pseudo philosophical bullshit stunned her but it wasn't enough to keep her away. The time had come, he HAD to play his trump card!
'I HAVE A FUCKING SICKIPEDIA PAGE ABOUT ME!!!!!' He screamed triumphantly. Sentobi was stunned, she turned to Cristina57 Binks who had been stood shouting nonsensically next to her the whole time.
'Wats sickipedia' she asked. 'wat r mods? Do bears wear penguin suits, ride bikes and fight russians?'
The distraction was all it took. With a few swift movements, Sentobi brought sickening blows to her ex-Protege, his posting priviledges, his alt accounts, his pride, but most importantly his confidence. AnaKane was now nothing more than a stump on the ground.
'Where's Sarcastic_Guy, I haven't had a good discussion in fucking ages...' Sentobi mused to herself as she left the pathetic twitching mound on the floor for dead. Darth Rellikus however had different ideas.
Meanwhile on the planet of Leprechaunicus, Ami-Jessticles had discovered that AnaKane had infected her somehow and that she was due to give birth.
'That little shit must've got me while I was asleep. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-' But it was too late, she had died and give birth to Princess Leia and Algerluke Skywalker.' For obvious reasons they were kept separate from each other and grew up completely separately. Nothing interesting happened here.
'BUY WINDOWS VISTA! αιαννιαϊαιιναϊα-αιαννιαϊαιιναϊα BUY VIAGRA ONLINE. Yes friend interesting you make point but i need clarify BUY UGG BOOTS UGG BOOTS OUTLET BREAST ENLARGEMENT Hi I am new to this lovely forum i hope u all accommodate me graciously thank you kind sirs αιαννιαϊαιιναϊα-αιαννιαϊαιιναϊα PENIS ENLARGEMENT'
Algerluke kicked the lump of junk disdainfully, his breasts were large enough already thanks very much. The Ugg boots were a tempting offer, but Algerluke knew there must be something wrong, who would want to buy windows vista? This droid unit named R2D2 had been spamming the air with this bullshit since Algerluke's surrogate parents had purchased him a few hours ago, along with a pathetic excuse for a robot, C3PO-MIKE. The robot had some problems originally with inappropriate opinions and it wouldn't stop playing obscure centuries old music but that'd been sorted out when Algerluke removed his posting abilities, so now he was just a big shiny tin can. Some would say he resembled a golden vuvuzela. Algerluke thumped the top of the droid until it shut up, when a projection started playing, a tiny scrap looping over and over. A woman in a white gown stood alone, she looked terrified.
'Sentobi you're the only one who can help! Please Sentobi we need you! Also heaven is a halfpi-' she flickered and was cut off, the loop began again. Algerluke was intruiged, he had heard of one named Obi Wan Sentobi but thought they had died before he was born. He pondered this until he remembered that when you join EC you sign a binding contract and you can technically never leave, so this Sentobi person must still be around somewhere.
Algerluke discovered Sentobi somewhere off in the desert behind some big rocks. She didn't see him at first but he could see well enough into the abode she'd acquired to notice R2D2 tied up in a creepy looking fetish basement. More intruiged and aroused than suspicious, Algerluke ignored the possible threat and confronted her directly.
'Oh sorry that's your droid? I... uh... I have a lot of free time, y'know man? It's been a while. Don't judge me on this.' She released the forces tying R2D2 to the sinister looking bed he'd been lying on and he bleep blooped his way towards them both before replaying the entire hologram message for Sentobi.
'Well this is quite serious. You're going to have to come with me and help save the galaxy in a sexy way, do you think you're ready for that? Oh btw i'm an ex jedi mod knight.'
Algerluke considered this for a moment.
'Can I have a soundtrack by Tom Waits?' He ventured. Sentobi could see no reason why not. All they needed now was a ship so they could save this mysterious Princess from whoever was holding her hostage. They decided the best way to get a ship was to enter a bar that was hostile to Jedi mods; called 'Luv-Emo'. It was a pretty dire place as places go, everyone had an air of uncalled for pretentiousness and unwarranted self importance. The inhabitants all looked weird, sporting alien make up and hair. The music was also fucking terrible. They sat at a table with the friendliest looking people they could find, which was unfortunate really, considering. One of them had shockingly blonde hair and arrogant features, the other was ginger and looked a bit like a massive bearmandogwolf. The blonde one looked Algerluke up and down and rated him internally out of ten. Hair, 5. Clothes, 2. Looks... 8. He was do-able at least, it was a start.
'HI, I'm Hyena-solo, you can call me Hyena'. He sounded as arrogant as he looked and seemed pleased with himself, as if structuring a sentence that didn't involve an insult was an achievement. His clothes looked unusual and out of place, daz-white skintight jeans, an awkwardly tight fitting top and a jacket that didn't match with either of the other components. He was also sporting some terrible footwear.
'This is chewybacca', he motioned to the ball of ginger fur next to him. 'NWYAARGGHHHHH' said chewy and promptly fell asleep.
Algerluke didn't particularly care about any of this, he already missed his piano and was having strange flashbacks of his mum. There may have been a reference to Freud here but it's 2am so you can just imagine I made a reference to the Oedipus complex instead. The result of this meeting was that Sentobi impressed Hyena-solo with her e-pen0r SO much that hyena decided he'd let them borrow his ship. The mission sounded kind of cool and heroic anyway and it'd mean he got to spend more time with Algerluke so he wasn't complaining. With all that money he could finally buy himself a decent haircut, it was a win-win situation. So Algerluke, Sentobi, chewybacca and hyena-solo set off on a supa top seacrit mishun to go save a Princess who was supposedly imprisoned somewhere. They hadn't been flying for long when hyena-solo caught sight of a tail, two pretty massive Imperial star destroyers, the resulting effect resembling how small forrest's e-penor is in comparison to Geist and Rosco's. (There you go, novelty unfunny reference. grats) They had very few options and had to resort to cliche;
'Punch it, chewy!'
Things were going pretty well at light speed and Algerluke may have learnt some Jedi things from Sentobi at his point, like how to approve posts and use the force to sense when a troll was approaching. In between chewy fapping to how awesome he thought hyena-solo was and Algerluke gawking at the fact that chewy resembled the dogs that he so covets, they managed to navigate to the planet that Princess Leah was supposed to be on. Unfortunately, the cosmic trolls had got there first, what lay before the rescue team was nothing more than space debris, rocks and other space-y matter resembling an asteroid belt. When everything was silent a faint taunting was audible, Algerluke could make out a barely discernible 'u mad brooooooooooo', an eery echo surrounding the planet that once was. Well this was certainly an unhelpful development. Fortunately the awkward silence was penetrated when the ship began shaking and moving uncontrollably and a rumbling sound filled the adventurer's ears. Seeing as hyena-solo actually had no fucking idea how to control the ship and was just posturing as always, there was nothing they could do about it. Chewybacca was the only one on the ship who could stop this involuntary movement and Algerluke ran to him, but as he drew closer on the increasingly unsteady ship, he realised the loud, slow rumbling sounds they'd heard earlier were actually chewybacca's snores and an orange substance that looked suspiciously like lasange covered most of his paws and lower half of his face.
'Fucking amateurs.' Algerluke complained and prepared himself for the inevitable shit storm they were getting themselves into.
He didn't have to wait for long, ahead of them loomed a huge sphere like object, rotating slowly to reveal a huge dick etched into the side. The tip was glowing red, as if it'd just ejaculated or something and that's when Algerluke realised what must have destroyed Alderaan. They were pulled into what seemed like a docking bay around the centre ring of the ship and decided the best tactic would be to hide in the smugglers bay of the falcon. Imperial troopers immediately clustered around the ship and began to judge it's aesthetics.
'Is that supposed to be eyeliner?'
They boarded the ship with the head trooper, Noctowl at the forefront to search for lifeforms within. Eventually only two troopers were left and Sentobi crept out from their hiding space to kill them and their deconstructive and mildly offensive comments about the ships appearance.
'Ban, ban!' she said smugly as they both went down and she took their suits off, handing one to Algerluke.
'Why not me, I look great in white (((((((' hyena-solo complained bitterly about the injustification in true fashion. Sentobi decided this would be a good time to disappear for a few months or something and left the incompetent trio to their own devices. They found their way into the depths of the dick-star and somehow found Princess Leah, furious and small with blue hair and defiantly folded arms.
'About fucking time' she complained, ignoring hyena-solo's ogles. 'Get me out of here now.' Algerluke decided whe was a stuck up bitch but still, a damsel in distress. The problem now was that they were stuck in the centre if this matrix with no knowledge of the route they could take for the exit and the fact that chewy kept trying to hump the Princess' leg.
'Bleep bloop bleep bloop' R2D2 made loud impatient noises until they looked over and it began playing a projection. There projected was a girl, no older than 17 with shocking blonde hair cut short and a matrix of flickering numbers circling around her form.
'Be very quiet, I know how to get you out of there. I've hacked this droid to gain access to you to try and save you.'
'Jedi mod finality!' Hyena-Solo exclaimed under his breath (can you exclaim under your breath? Fuck you, you can now) 'We thought you'd died when Alderaan collapsed!'
'No, I survived, the details are irrelevant. Anyway, i've given you admin privleges for the time being, i'll try and guide you back to your ship, you must avoid Anakane or he'll try and use you for your power!'
She hurried her words, sounding out of breath and very irish. Ahead of them doors open and others closed, guiding them back to the Millenium Falcon quickly until they reached the original docking bay and were confronted by a confusing scene, a battle between one of the greatest Jedi mods of all time and darth vader. They ran, zig zagging their way to the ship's entrance, avoiding the droid's shots the way people always do in action films. Sentobi knew the only way they'd ever escape the death machine would be for her to create a diversion to let them escape, and so with a flourish she moved her bansaber aside and smiled. Anakane/darth vader screamed triumphantly as he killed Sentobi with one blow. Algerluke cried out, both in emotional pain and physical heartache, one of the few people he'd respected and fapped over in this universe, gone!
'FUCKING FUCK, YES, HAH! I KNEW I'D WIN! THE MOTHERFUCKING DAMNED ALWAYS WINS, KANE IS BAAAAAACK BITCHES! I DESTROYED THAT BITCH AND I'LL DESTROY YOU TOO.'
But the Falcon was already on it's way back out into space.
'So... Princess... have I told you how amazing I am? Everyone calls me hyena-solo, but you can call me hyena.' he said winking. Leah wasn't particularly amused or impressed by his bragging and rolled her eyes repeatedly, he didn't give up though and bragged all the way to the rebel base, despite Leahs' objections that they were leading the Imperial force right to the base. 'No, no don't worry babe, i've been doing this for years, I know precisely what i'm doing. You just stay in the kitchen'. She told him to go fuck himself and resumed making sandwiches for chewy.
As Jedi-mod finality had given them help, she'd also told them about the death stars weakness and they were able to destroy it rather quickly after a few close encounters. A few months passed and hyena-solo decided to take a trip to cloud city to meet his longest love interest, the good Lady Kaseylando for a meal, unbeknownst to him she'd been forced to form an alliance with the empire to capture Hyena for torture so Algerluke would rescue him for whatever reason. Maybe they were hair twins and had some strange bond. Algerluke owed hyena and had little choice, he had to rescue him from cloud city and from Darth Vader himself who they'd been avoiding so well for so long. When Luke heard of the tortures hyena was undergoing his face broke out in a disgusting expression, but his inner s&m side loved every detail, it felt wrong but oh so right. He felt like he'd inherited these tastes from his mother but apparently both parents shared this interest by the looks of it. When they arrived, the final preparations were put into place to freeze Luke to be transported to the Emporer, but instead it was tested on hyena-solo. Being forever alone, he had no-one to confess his love to and was encased in carbonite with tearful eyes. CJ Fett was given this carbonite adonis to transport to Jabba the pothead to recieve a payment owed since before they'd even met the young Jedi and his droids.
'Oh i'll take good care of you my pretty' he began swaying and his voice took on a chldlike tone, 'jiiiiiiigggglyyyyyyyypuffffffff... jiiiiiiiigggggggggglyyyyyyyyypufffffffffffffffffffff... have you ever listened to porcupine tree? you'd better, oh you will, oh you will...' He sounded pretty creepy and everyone stared at him as he walked away, talking to the carbonite form that was now hyena-solo. Kaseylando was now distraught as the troopers escorted the prisoners into a lock up area, but she had a few tricks up her sleeve and her personal security force stopped the imperial troopers and set the prisoners free, chewybacca launched himself at kaseylando in distress, knocking her over and trying to attack her, she had cost him his best friend, the love of his life! How would he ever live now with only Leah to look after him, it wouldn't be possible!
'NO CHEWY NO, I CAN HELP SAVE YOU AND HYENA!' She cried and chewy stopped, too lazy to continue anyway, that was far too much exercise for one day. They ran, chasing after CJ Fett by listening for prog-rock and the faint traces of 'jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigglypufffffffff'.
Meanwhile Algerluke had encountered Darth Vader and they were now duelling above the city air shaft, dangerously fighting for their lives. Algerluke, being a gentleman, did not advance upon Vader's arrogant mistakes and instead showed his lightsaber proficiency deftly, creating beautiful piano music as he went.
'I HAVE SYNESTHESIA FUCKER' screamed Anakane.
'So does every cunt on EC, apparently' retorted Algerluke, irritated. Who did this imbecile think he was? Some special snowflake? He needed to cut him down a peg. Whilst he pondered this, a searing, sharp pain filled his arm, he looked down in shock to see his wrist falling down into the shaft.
'Yeah motherfucker, hope you're right handed wanking or you're gonna be real frustrated hahahahahah!'
'Why would I need my hand when your wife can do it for me?' Algerluke laughed scornfully and amused himself with his hilarious banter.
'NO, FUCK YOU. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? LUKE, SHE'S YOUR MOTHER YOU SICK SICK FUCK. LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER.'
Algerluke stopped in his tracks, his eyes wider than forrests generalisations.
'Yeah. I'm your father. You came from these baaaaaaaaaaaalls dickcheese, so blow me. I have noodz of all the modz. I WIN.'
This was a revelation too far for Algerluke, he couldn't bear the thought of this utter cunthole being related to him in any shape or form, let alone be his FATHER, this was improbable... no, impossible! But he could feel it within himself. He knew it to be true. He looked one last time at Anakane, and jumped, down into the airshaft, falling endlessly into what he decided could only be a blissful suicide, far more attractive an option than accepting that the blood of Anakane ran through his veins. And so it ended. The empire had won, Algerluke had given up and Anakane lived.
To be continued?
(I'm too lazy...)
if you made it this far, wow, congrats, let me give you a medal.
Posted 08 February 2012 - 04:18 PM
Made me laugh but I'm probably biased.
Posted 08 February 2012 - 05:36 PM
seemed pleased with himself, as if structuring a sentence that didn't involve an insult was an achievement
Hey, don't joke about it until you know how hard this shit is.
Also, I don't wear white jeans.
Also, aw maaan you better finish this shit.
Posted 08 February 2012 - 05:39 PM
Posted 08 February 2012 - 06:37 PM
Also, I have officially escaped inclusion from everyone's stories, hoorah
Posted 09 February 2012 - 01:36 AM
Very fun read. well done, forzare
Posted 09 February 2012 - 04:46 AM
Also, I have officially escaped inclusion from everyone's stories, hoorah
I was so close, goddamnit.
11/10 for mentioning me.
Posted 09 February 2012 - 08:19 AM
Posted 09 February 2012 - 09:11 PM
Posted 14 February 2012 - 08:44 AM
Glad you all enjoyed
Posted 14 February 2012 - 08:57 AM
You should totally continue this. It's probably one of the only good entries so far.
Posted 11 August 2012 - 07:02 PM
Posted 26 August 2012 - 03:52 PM
0 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users