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My First Poem. ( No Title )

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10 replies to this topic

#1
RandomMocha

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It's my first poem I ever actually ever tried to complete, and it's about my struggles and stuff.. So I hope it's okay! Criticism and advice appreciated, so I can learn to write poems =w='.

For every time they've seen me cry,
it's a fatal move that I would try.
I still can't understand myself,
there has to be something else.
All I want is for someone to care,
because it's all much more than I can bear.
It used to be something I would believe,
but now it's all hidden by my sleeve.

No matter what anyone would say,
I still resent how much I weigh.
I hate the reflection on my wall,
but I can't undo what I saw.
Just a little more and I'd relax,
but all I'll see is the fat.
Just let me fly away, be free,
be anyone else except for me.

Now hit me with some criticism, suggestions, tips, advice, etc etc. I need it haha.
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#2
SafeZoneXo

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i really like this Poem!!


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#3
DDdrummerGuy

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Poem is heart felt, it helps the reader to invision, what is actually, happening, the pain and the sorry you felt through this ordeal

 

all in all, very nice


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#4
RandomMocha

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Thank you guys uwu
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#5
DDdrummerGuy

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thought of a title

 

How about being me as the title 


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#6
Lady Timebomb

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have you thought of flipping the poem upside down ?  start from the last line and work your way up...


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#7
RandomMocha

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No I haven't. Do you mean as in reading it from bottom to top? or writing?
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#8
hgkgb

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I like your poems.Its good.could anyone please help me i don't know how to post poems and i would like to.


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#9
Rellik San

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I dislike this, whilst there is such a thing as a genetic predisposition towards obesity there are indeed things you can do about it, changing your eating habbits and some light exercise (a couple of miles walking a day) can do wonders.

 

That aside, I couldn't relate at all to this protagonist, it lacks any other feelings then self pity and an inability to take responsibility instead of wishing you were someone else, why don't you just become the person you want to be?

 

All in all I rate this a 2 outta 10.


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#10
Lady Timebomb

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Read it bottom to top it sounds better ... rearrange your simple words with better ones ... all it takes is a dictionary... but keep the rhyme scheme .... it will  be good 


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#11
PeppermintxKiss

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I read it from beginning to end, and it sounds really whiney. 
If you read it from the last line upwards, it sounds like someone who's battling some form of eating disorder but progressively gets worse, and then has a completely different meaning. I agree with the other person, if the last line was the first, and the first was the last, and basically completely inversed it would flow and sound better, think the words are great though ^_^


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