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My Letter To You [Letter I Suppose]

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    unknown Calamity

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  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Nowhere, I'm a figment of your imagination.
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  • US State:Oklahoma
  • Fav Band Right Place Right Time
  • Fav Song The Dairy by Hollywood Undead
I know I am a fool, but for some reason, all day, I've been wanting to write this. To write to you, though I know you will never read this. I pray, I hope, whatever it is that people do, that you do, that you will never read this. Then Id never have to worry about whether or not you actually love me. Or rather, accept the fact that you do love me. I really am a fool.

I can't stop thinking about the first day I met you. The thought makes me smile even while tears threaten to slide down my cheeks. What was funny about my first day of school, the day my life began to inevitably change, the day I met my one and only beautiful Muse, was that I didn't notice you at all till fourth hour. And when I did notice you, it was only because you happened to talk to her. I remember thinking huh, what an odd looking nerd guy. Really tall and skinny. And I remembered your name only because it was the name of my torturer from years past. And that was that.

The next day, as my dad pulled up at the front of the school, you were out raising the flags. I looked over at dad, secretly pointed you out and said "that's Devin, And I think he is like, the class nerd. He looks like it anyway," and dad grinned and winked at me. "Have a good day at school. Don't do drugs," dad told me. You saw me as I leaned over and kissed his cheek and got out of the truck.

It feels like such a god awful amount of time has passed since then. A year and a couple of months. I don't remember how it happened, why we started talking. Maybe it was because of Kelsey. Or maybe because I started flirting with Joseph so then you actually noticed me. I think really, is that you thought I was new and maybe interesting. I was really quiet the first couple of weeks at school. I remember Jace and Kyle's weird looks when you started to sit with us and Joe out of nowhere, like it wasn't something you did often. I should have known then that I had become the object of your interest. But, like Ive already stated, Im a fool.

Out at the back of the school, it was me, you and Joe. You two making me laugh so hard as you did your stupid perverse things. Us sitting behind each other during second hour in Computers. Flirting, laughing, playing around. One day, when we were walking to the back after lunch, I randomly asked if you wanted my number. You said hell yeah like I had just gave you a million dollars. You aimed a breathtaking, beautiful smile, with your lips all curved and showing your uniquely crooked smile, hazel eyes bright and intelligent, on me, and that was the moment I realized you were sexy. Hot. Beautiful even. God, I love your smile. So much. It's such a goofy, happy smile.

Your texts weren't shorthand or irritating. Intelligence lurked behind everything you said or wrote, and that captivated me. But I admit, me and Joseph had been talking also, and I was starting to REALLY like him. To you, I was interesting and fun to flirt with, but you didn't start to pursue me till you found out I could draw. Till me and Joe started hanging out constantly. Then you hit me hard with your constant, adoring attention, and I was dumbstruck and baffled.

I told you and Joe both, when it became clear, that I liked you both. And I didn't know how to choose. Joe told me to pick you, because you had a truck, a job, and because I was able to be with you more. You. You told me that I was my own person and that the only person who could make the choice was me. That you would not influence me in anyway.

The day I picked you I wore a little gray dress with black leggings, a black jean jacket and black, knee high boots. And when I walked into second hour your jaw dropped and your eyes popped. Whenever I tried to get to my computer you stopped me, made me crawl over you so I was momentarily in your lap and you had your hands on my waist, beautiful hazels glittering with a mixture of intelligence and mischief. When I finally sat down you messed with me constantly, blowing in my ears or tickling me and making me squeal and jump. Till I was loud and couldn't stop laughing.

We became inseparable, but then, out of nowhere, you lost interest. You were mine briefly and then you were gone. We had never even kissed.

Kelsey, my beautiful muse, had introduced you to Casey. Casey, beautiful, thin, blonde and a stupid slut. I wanted to meet her so bad. Joe came to me, embracing me, being my everything when I was lost, breaking my heart when he told me that you and Casey were dating. Me, a fool. But, I didn't love you then.

Me and Joe got together. Typical right? He was my valentine, and you lost your virginity to a slut you had known for two weeks. That's when I realized that Im attracted to assholes. You are such a fucking, god damned asshole, and that's why I can't stop thinking about you now. But, into that third week, when me and Joe started to realize that maybe me and him were better as friends, you came back to me. Very subtly, if that makes sense.

I brought a story I had been working on to school and let Kelsey read it. When she was done she slid it over to you and demanded that you read it. When you did, you turned to me, and told me that I needed to finish it right then!

I was stupidly delighted that I had your attention again. I knew you were still dating Casey. But you started ignoring her texts, spending time with me instead of her. Of course, I am a selfish bitch, and it thrilled me that you wanted me instead of her. You two broke up, and me and you were writing a romance.

My god, you are an amazing writer. That was the final straw for me, when I started falling in love with you. The things you can do with words. When you let me into your life outside of school, let me see beneath your mask. Inside you were just like me. Depressed, dark..and really good at acting. Your dad, never home, your mom working. I love your mom, she is amazing.

You indulged me with the real you, brought new music into my life, and finally, my ultimate downfall, you brought the addicting taste of risk and adrenaline back into my life. One day, me and you were walking to your truck, me knowing that my dad was going to pick me up in 20 minutes, And you, teasing, offered me a cigarette. Who would have known that I would have said yes? It was a crime and a rush for me to be sitting in your truck, with my parents not allowing me off campus, but then me and you were sharing a cigarette. I didn't cough at first, and you were so proud of me. Then I started getting that nicotine high, and we were laughing, I was coughing my ass off, and then it was a desperate scramble for me to get out front so I could be there before dad came to the school. I fell out of your truck, and as You drove off, I fell off the sidewalk. Neither mom or dad know that I smoke even now. That was March 22nd, 2013.

We were "officially" dating when I got my braces off in the middle of April. I missed a day of school, and we had it arranged where you were coming home with me that next day so you could meet my parents. I was so shy to walk into second hour with my braceless teeth, but you were so excited. I wouldn't smile at you, and you would tear my hands away from my mouth. Finally, I got the guts to smile at you. And when I did you got this strange look on your face. I immediately covered my mouth and tried so hard not to smile at you again. At lunch I snuck off campus and Nathan bought you a pack of Marlboro Next. And when you opened it, you whistled and looked at me wistfully. "What?" I said. You grinned, that stupid, goofy grin.
"It's sexy," you said, "almost as sexy as you." I scoffed and said that I looked weird without my braces and that you wouldn't quit looking at my mouth. You stopped then, lifted a finger to my face and said, so seriously, that I was beautiful. That you couldn't keep from looking at my lips and my teeth, because you said, you were dumbstruck by how differently beautiful I was.

You wrote me a story a week before, and when, that evening, you came to my house, I made sure to have it out on my dresser. You came, met my parents. I showed you around outside and we played in the street on your skateboard. When I pushed you off you chased me across my front yard an picked me up and chunked me around like I weighed nothing. For one moment, you gazed around, a dreamy look on your face. I live in the middle of nowhere, with very few neighbors. You smiled, and even though my uncle way down the road was mowing his lawn, you said you loved how quiet it was out here. That you wish you could be out here with me forever. It made me feel little and special. Right before you had to leave we went into my room. I have a picture of you sitting on my bed with you looking through the notebook. The one with your story in it.

And that's when you kissed me. Bent me over my bed, tortured me, teased me, made me silently beg for you to kiss me. I was sixteen, and you were my first kiss.

You were an MMA fighter at that time, you were lean and muscled, with broad shoulders and a slim waist. Ridiculously long arms and legs with big hands and long, slender fingers. At lunch we would go to your house, and in the spring warmth we would wrestle in your backyard. You'd always win, and Id wind up pinned on my back, with you staring into my eyes so lovingly. Beautiful hazel eyes more green that day, sparkling madly.

You wouldn't ever let me in your house, because you were ashamed of it. I made it a personal challenge to get into your house. One day I rushed out of your truck, dashed to your front door. You were yelling at me not to, and you chased me. I managed to open the screen door before you slammed me against the wall. Me giggling, you laughing, you slid me up against the wall and pinned me there. Our foreheads touching and me begging for you to let me inside. Finally you sighed and released me. Heart pounding, I went inside. It was small and in bad condition. But I loved it. I still love your house. It's cozy and you and your mom had made it feel like a home.

You showed me around, and I flopped onto your bed and you flopped beside me, and everything felt right and perfect. I was a fool, am a fool, because I was so desperately in love with you.

We began to head into a deeper relationship in May. Sitting on the bleachers in the gym, watching the seniors practice their graduation ceremony, you leaned over and whispered in my ear. I love you. My heart did a flip flop, but outside I simply smiled and nudged you with my shoulder. I love you too.

Things began to move to the next stage, more sexual. We both were gross and perverted. I am a pervert really, dirty minded. Sunday I asked you what was for lunch on Monday via text. You responded with a winky face and said your hard, throbbing cock. And I said alright. You were surprised. Again, like the cigarette, who would have known That I'd say yes? I had it in my mind that I would give my virginity to you.

Monday, at lunch, I gave you a blow job. I loved it, loved how your fingers twisted in my hair and you would moan ever so slightly. How your legs trembled. And like every other guy, you loved how I swallowed. Both times.

Your dad came home that night. Y'all got into a big fight. The next day, everything changed. You were an asshole to everyone, even your best friend. You were distant and wouldn't talk to anyone. I went off campus with Kelsey, came back and you were sitting in your truck all alone, your phone in your lap, Hollywood Undead's song Medicine blaring out your speakers. I jumped into your truck, grabbed your face and made you look at me. Demanded that you tell me what was wrong. Your eyes were glittering with unshed tears, but you tore free from my grasp, looked away and said nothing. I left, my own eyes stinging.

That whole next week you wouldn't talk to anyone. And then, when me and Kyle were talking in Biology, you jumped between us and started being an ass to him. I had just told Kyle earlier that if anyone messed with you I was going to punch them in their face. Kyle was truly the class nerd, and he was my best friend. I turned you around and slapped you. I saw then, at that moment, our relationship collapse. Shutters slammed over your eyes, and with a glare you stomped off.

That next week we wouldn't even look at each other. One day there was a huge butterfly on the side of the awning. I couldn't reach it. You came strolling along, and I said that even though you were mad at me, would you please get it for me? You jumped up and crushed it then walked off. Asshole. I still loved you. You fucking asshole.

You didn't come at all the last week of school. Summer went by, my birthday, your birthday, without anything. Remember the tickets you bought for us for the three day concert for my birthday? What happened to my ticket?

I was too pissed to send you a text on your birthday. I was too stupid to delete all my pictures of you. The picture of the bear with chainsaw hands that you gave me, the pictures me and you took together, the one with the book on your head where you told me that guys are only perfect in books, and you were in a book, therefore you were perfect. The one with your leopard hat, you shirtless. So many pictures. With your absence came the nightmares, you starring in most of them. With your absence came me sitting in the back behind the horse barn, smoking and listening to Hollywood Undead. The tears. And me, stupid, trying to talk to other guys so I could forget you. And that helped. I kept writing, talking to Kelsey, and still chased adrenaline highs. Chased trouble. As the weeks slowly drifted by that awful, hot summer, I began to forget my anger at you. Realized you weren't worth it.

I drew you for the first time at the end of summer, you sitting on your bed in a batman shirt, earbuds in your ears. It hangs on my wall. And then, summer was over, and I was enrolling as a junior.

I was terrified to see you face to face. I didn't want to see you. But there you were. You would look at me and smile, but you wouldn't talk to me. I met another amazing guy, an amazing guy Id still be with if it wasn't for you. That was in August.

We would ride together with Kelsey, and I told you happy late birthday. You laughed at that. Slowly, we became friends again. You asked me to design you a tattoo. We began to talk. Go to your house and smoke. Just friends.

I had a boyfriend. Kelsey told you about him. You didn't like him. None of the other guys at school would talk to me. Because, apparently, I was still YOUR girl. You stupid, jealous asshole. What the hell did I do for you to start pursuing me again? You would glue yourself to my side. And dammit I admit that I still craved your presence. Fuck you, fuck me. I am a fucking fool. But you didn't expect me to deny you, did you?? I was with a guy already. You, you stupid asshole, told me that if I broke up with him, you wanted another chance. But I just wanted to be your friend. I didn't want to go through that with you again. I locked my heart down, and unfortunately that affected the wonderful man I was with. February I began to realize why that man appealed to me at the beginning. I thought he was just like you. Fuck me. And when I got to know him so well, I realized he was a completely different guy, and that I didn't deserve him and that he wasn't you, and I didn't want him. I loved him, but it wasn't the awful, heart wrenching painful love I had for you. You clung to me. You poisoned me you goddamn asshole. You started letting me read your stories, I was the only one you would let read them. The only one whom you'd share your ideas with. You told me that. That you never let anyone read the dark, deep emotional stuff you wrote. Your mom and your dad divorced over the summer and you got stuck with your asshole of a dad. You turned to weed. Was high everyday. All your intelligence being dumped down the toilet.

I felt so bad. I wanted to be the person you trusted, want to be that person. Want to fix you. I broke up my boyfriend a few days before valentines day. I'm such a bitch. I would not double date, would not, could not, cheat on him. So I broke it off with him. I lost my virginity on valentines day. You were so gentle, held me so close and kissed me so much.
But I was still guarded. I told you that me and you were just for fun. I denied my love for you, decided that I wanted you as a friend and nothing more. You apologized about how you ignored me over the summer, said that you were a fucking idiot for letting me go. That you wouldn't do it again. You are the one trying to make us serious, but I won't allow it. You ass, Im not going to be yours like that. Not again. Close friends. Good friends with benefits. Why, why, sitting on your couch, did you tell me that when we were older, after we both had all our fun, that you wanted to get married and have MY TWO babies. If I decided I wanted kids. Im the one being elusive and running from love now. You're the one who told me you didn't believe in love in the first place! By now you freak if I mention another guy! Remember that Thursday at Murray State college. You sat there all by yourself, glaring every time I passed you with that one guy. And that one Saturday, when I was so pissed because you were being an idiot, you wrote me a poem. And I couldn't stay mad at you. Can't stay mad at you. You asked me to draw you again. Or rather, draw you something. You didn't care, as long as I spent my time and did it for you. You say that if I do, no matter what it is, you're going to frame it and hang it on your wall. And here I am, still addicted to you but so terrified to tell you that I still love you. Even though you tell me that you love me. How dare you? Why? Fuck you. You asshole. I love you so much but I don't want too. Im about to toss you aside so I don't have to deal with it. Because if I give you my heart you will break it into a million pieces and I will never recover. I know you will. Because while I am still your girl, the whole school, the teachers, my parents all tell me that, you want more. You want my love but you want the fun with other girls but freak the fuck out when I want fun with other guys. God, I hate you so much. I love you. I hate that I love you. You are a terrible person, you know? But Im still drawing you now. And Im writing you that story. You can have that. Just not my heart. Never my heart. I love you, Devin. And I hate you for it. And that's why me and you can never be.
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